adieu redux

paxismoo
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

returning home last tuesday, i noticed a letter, among the consistent pile of rubbish i receive ever since i procured a mortgage, from the university of guelph, pet trust fund division.

someone, who shall remain nameless because i don't know who it is, made a monetary donation to their animal health clinic in paxis' name, in her memory. this money "develops new diagnostic and treatment techniques and examines the human-animal bond".

i often relive the last few days of my cancer-ridden kitty. of how she couldn't keep her balance while walking, how her back legs slid out from underneath her on my stupid polished cement floor, and how i had to wrap her in a towel to bring her to meet her death before the vet's lunch break (such are the perils of falling ill on labor day weekend).

without even a moment for tiny goodbyes, the vet's assistant had poured alcohol over one of her legs to prepare for the injection.

"ready?" asked the vet, walking into the room.

i nodded. i knew he needed to get to lunch.

"it's a mixture of bla and whatevs. it'll stop her heart. it'll be totally painless."

i nodded again. this time through tears.

the needle went in. i draped myself over my cat. she'd be gone in a few seconds. if there was anything to say, i'd have to say it now.

"bye baby..."

i heard my boyfriend burst into tears. and then i heard a sharp intake of breath from paxis. she was gone. the subsequent release of breath was simply reflexive on her body's part. but it sounded like a peaceful sigh.


i'd like to thank whomever made this donation. it was an incredibly touching and thoughtful way to honor her and how much she meant to me.

my boyfriend and i browsed the trust fund’s online pet gallery - all sorts of dogs and cats who have had money donated in their names. there's mooch, and marmalade, and jeffrey, and fred. there's mooch the second and cody and rupp. and a really cute cat drinking from a drink box.

he closed the window. both of us tearing up.

"can't do this right now..."