hang up
not too long after september 11th, when airport security had been stepped up, molly shannon gave a late night tv interview. instead of promoting her project, she went on, at great length, about how much she enjoyed it when a security agent went through her luggage, item by item, with his pristine gloved hand.
i was riveted as she described the pleasure she reaped from watching the newly-implemented security measure take place: the concurrence of the impersonal, formal act of sterile gloves examining each and every one of her personal items.
it was then that i realized our foibles and that we are all misshapen.
my “thing” is throwing something out.
out of my life forever. i think as i toss the vessel into the recycle bin. i love turning my back on something that’s been the object of my obsession. possessions make me anxious. they make me feel as though i’m weighed down; keeping me from accomplishing something else, keeping me from venturing yonder.
what doesn't help is that i'm often impelled to buy products because they have a neat label, are being sold two-for-one, or are particularly "gentle to the environment".
as a result, a lot of effort and planning goes into getting me to the point where i can be rid of something. of course, not a drop can remain. consumption is not without consequence.
so i consolidate.
all bottles are charily monitored so that when it gets to a level where the remainder can be safely transferred into another, it gets turned upside down.
once emptied, i’ll add water, shake, and use on a light-wash day.
the process of product consolidation, however, is a complex one. one substance cannot simply be added pell-mell to another. they must match in terms of consequence. some product adds hair sheen, while others create an alleged volume. only products that creates a like effect can be united.
some conditioner, no matter how nice it smells, turns out to be a dud. dud conditioners get added to hair before shampooing. does this help in adding gloss and body? i don't know, but it gives me great pleasure when it's time to combine two duds.
i once consolidated wines.
a friend called a few days ago. he inquired as to what i was doing.
"i'm consolidating body lotions."
"funny. that's something my dad would do."
posted by sass @ 11:48 PM
3 Comments:
Promise me that you will never consolidate used tea bags.
Every time I see someone getting searched I'm reminded of the comedian who entertains himself by backing his carry-on with the most embarrassing items he can think of. "You should see the look on their face when they start pulling that stuff out and examining it," he says. He always flies with a bag loaded with Crisco lard, vibrators, strap-on dildos, giant butt-plugs, edible underwear, you name it.
I try to keep a low profile so I sneak through with my toothpaste.
I've consolidated -because my husband is a hoarder who will start a new bottle of something way before the old one has run out... Like Peanut Butter... Detergent... Toilet paper... I think he has some sort of depression-mentality and is afraid of running out of everything.
I have banned the purchase of detergent for the next year - because after consolidating our households, I had two bottles of the stuff (kept in the car for the laundromat), and he had no less than four gallon sized containers... Then, house guests left detergent here (long story) - so we have a shelf full of laundry detergent in every color, scent, and degree of fabric softener. It's really quite a collection.
The other day I found him in the grocery store, standing in front of a huge display of 2-gallon detergent bottles on sale...
I just grabbed him by the belt loop, kept walking and said, "Just get it out of yer head!!!!"
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