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Saturday, April 30, 2005

blugh or: how i learned to love short man's complex

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

yesterday was one of "those" days.

it all started when i woke up screaming from a bad dream. i lay there with my heart pounded when my boyfriend bound into the bedroom holding a frying pan, asking "what is it?! what happened?!"*

then while doing yoga, a car careened into three others right outside my window.

then my boyfriend and i quibbled about how unsupportive and unnice and uneverything i am. so by this time, i was tossed into the depths of despair. and my thoughts turned to how much of a boob i can be.

i once attended a dinner of a man who was fairly well off. and the people in his presence fawned and applauded every move he made. this short little man, once he had enough alcohol in him, turned to me and said, "you know krista, the first time i met you, i thought you were a real bitch." silence befell the table.

he had a point. the first time i met him, he said something completely unimpressive and, therefore, i was completely unimpressed. i guess tiny little man had been affected by my unresponsiveness to his money, his widgets, and his playthings.

then he got 3 gimlets in him.

and so, silence befell the table. i can't remember if anyone awkwardly dropped a fork, but let's say someone did. no one came to my defense. was it for fear of insulting the host? or because he has more financial clout than i?

i retorted. "well at least i remembered who you were." because when i had shown up earlier that evening, he looked at me and brusquely said, "who's this?"


so after my retort, his table of admirers piped up with defense. "well, you totally changed your hair color." "you met him in winter - you have a tan now." all sorts of hooey and humbug.

there was a second incident where he reminded me of my bitchiness. i ran into him at a restaurant and, i guess, didn't greet him with the perfunctory glee to which he is accustomed. "gawd krista, you're such a bitch."

"enjoy your meal." i replied.

have you ever told someone who is feeling vulnerable that they're not a bad person? that person basically crumbles, because for some reason, some how, we all think that a part of us IS bad: we're not smart enough, friendly enough, skinny enough, athletic enough, social enough, talented enough, pretty enough, nice enough, educated enough, good enough...

it may not seem like it, but i've dedicated the better part of my life trying to figure out who i am and make myself a better person. if you grab me by my shoulders and look me in the eye and tell me i'm not a bad person, i will crumble and cry.

so i certainly don't need some tiny little man who can barely reach the peddles of his standard-issue suv to tell me otherwise.

* frying pan may or may not have been present.


At April 30, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been a long time frequenter of your sisters blog, and through her link- have been following yours.

I don't even know you in that- 'celebrity'-know-you kinda way, as your blog is just a wee little thing still-
YET.. from your entries, I've not even got a glimpse of megabitch..
You SEEM yummy.. of course we all have our unyummy bits.. but you seem quite delight.full....

I saw a sex in the city episode last night.. and carrie was musing about- why do we only ever believe the BAD things people say about us.

I too am at a point where I'm reflecting on my not so yummy parts, and trying to seperate fact from fiction- what all of my self concept is actually informed by other dim wits opinions?

Anyway, on the title:BITCH SUPREME-
Sometimes people think you're a bitch of you're any of the following: assertive, decisive, focused etc etc
These are great things to be, so wear the title proudly =)

And too, I'm a little concerned that through screens and typed words, somethings got lost in the translation- and in fact, my response to your post is really off the mark!! =)

At May 01, 2005, Blogger sass said...

that's friggin' awesome!!

i'm glad you're reading and sex/city is the best show of all time!

i wonder why we tend to remember the bad things people say about us. little man's girlfriend said of me: "she'd be pretty if she wore makeup."


At May 02, 2005, Blogger frogpajamas said...

What a pitiful, sour little man.
He seems so focused on what he didn't like that he couldn't see what he could like. What an empty life to lead....

At May 03, 2005, Blogger Lisa said...

Okay, for the record Krista, when I first met you, I thought you were very nice, quiet at first and then we had an interesting conversation about some novel. So that obnoxious man is totally out to lunch on the bitch thing. There is, of course, nothing wrong with being a little bitchy to someone who deserves it! I think of this as 'situational' bitchdom, kind of like straight men in prisons who take on male lovers. Funny how not buying into someone's schtick can be taken as bitchiness. As for makeup, well of course less is more. Unless you're wearing a black cocktail dress, then it's bring on the black eyeliner and lipstick, it's Audrey time, baby!!!!

At March 07, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

considering the way you continuously ridicule the dude for his height, you come off as a bitch.


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