on death and dying II

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

twice now i've learned of sudden and unexpected deaths. both times, my tiny little pea brain slips into some strange and malfunctioning mode: the "you're kidding" mode. in a fraction of a second, i realize that if what i'm being told is true, the person is gone forever. a sentence makes its way to the tip of my tongue while i start to process this information: "you're joking, right?"

then i start reprimanding myself for thinking such stupid thoughts. of course they're not joking. they're dealing with this news of a death and the task of telling me and all i can do is start to deflect because i'm starting the first of the five stages of grief.

so i alternate, in my tiny pea brain, between thinking how i’m soon going to be saying something like, "gawd, you really had me going there..." and scolding myself for being so weak that i had to fabricate a story to deal with the news.

when i learned that my ex-boyfriend died, i actually said it. and i felt like a dufus right away.

"you're kidding me, right?" said my tiny pea brain.

"i wouldn't make something like that up."

"i know you wouldn't. i know."


this time i bit my tongue, even though i wanted it to be a bad, horrible, unfunny joke. all i could muster was a "what?"

once my query was answered and the circumstanced explained, i searched my empty pea brain for something to say. something meaningful. something to keep the pain at bay. something to start the healing.

i had nothing.

i had to be honest. "i don't know what to say." the words felt grey. like they had stones tied to them. and they were dragging themselves, not unlike robert deniro in the mission, through some dense forest and out of my mouth.

"that's all right krista. you've said everything already."