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Thursday, February 09, 2006

on death and dying II

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

twice now i've learned of sudden and unexpected deaths. both times, my tiny little pea brain slips into some strange and malfunctioning mode: the "you're kidding" mode. in a fraction of a second, i realize that if what i'm being told is true, the person is gone forever. a sentence makes its way to the tip of my tongue while i start to process this information: "you're joking, right?"

then i start reprimanding myself for thinking such stupid thoughts. of course they're not joking. they're dealing with this news of a death and the task of telling me and all i can do is start to deflect because i'm starting the first of the five stages of grief.

so i alternate, in my tiny pea brain, between thinking how i’m soon going to be saying something like, "gawd, you really had me going there..." and scolding myself for being so weak that i had to fabricate a story to deal with the news.

when i learned that my ex-boyfriend died, i actually said it. and i felt like a dufus right away.

"you're kidding me, right?" said my tiny pea brain.

"i wouldn't make something like that up."

"i know you wouldn't. i know."

this time i bit my tongue, even though i wanted it to be a bad, horrible, unfunny joke. all i could muster was a "what?"

once my query was answered and the circumstanced explained, i searched my empty pea brain for something to say. something meaningful. something to keep the pain at bay. something to start the healing.

i had nothing.

i had to be honest. "i don't know what to say." the words felt grey. like they had stones tied to them. and they were dragging themselves, not unlike robert deniro in the mission, through some dense forest and out of my mouth.

"that's all right krista. you've said everything already."


At February 10, 2006, Blogger Kell said...

I could write 'on death and dying' posts all day. It's weird. Now that my nephew has been gone for two months (as of yesterday, but who's counting?) - It's a constant reminder that we are absolutely not in control, and that's what makes the loss sting the most.

Now, It's really difficult. My relationship with my sister changed. It's like everything is a different color. Even my non-emotive father told me how much he misses Jason...

The 'ex' thing must be hard in another way. It seems to me that in your case, your 'Ex gets two deaths. One at the break up - and then he died... I'm sure in some weird way, it's like going through the whole mourning process twice. I'm sorry for all the things that are hard to say.

At February 13, 2006, Blogger sass said...

thank you kell. that really was beautiful.

At March 22, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A guy who worked for us died last year and I couldn't quite process it either. First of all, I could NOT believe that the last thing I said to him was, "Hey roller-boogie boy" and then I would find myself having bizarre thoughts like, "he will never hear that part in Hotel California where you can check out any time you like but you can never leave." And another time this girl I know died and all I could think about is that she would never find out who won Survivor. I do not like it when people die.


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