up

vineyard
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

"well, how do i know if i've had one?"

"you just know. it's one of those things."

"like an orgasm?"

"yes, like an orgasm."


two nights ago, i was awakened at 2 in the morning by some thugs having a fight across the street. the police arrived and everything quieted down. but as i tried to fall back asleep, all of my fears, insecurities, and worries flooded my mind. i lay in bed for four hours, tossing and turning. i was too hot, then too cold, and then the cat came and slept on me, and then my hair got in my eyes, and then i was itchy, and then i itched somewhere else, and then i realized how old i am getting, and then how much i owed to the government, and that my mortgage is up for renewal…

i got up to go to the bathroom and my boyfriend asked me what was wrong.

“i can’t sleep.”

“why? what are you thinking about?”

“nothing…”

he fell immediately back asleep. i continued to itch and toss. i needed to go for a walk, read a book, go to another room. but i live in a loft - there was nowhere to go. i felt claustrophobic. i HATED my apartment. was this one? was this an anxiety attack?

and then, in a mini tantrum, i threw my pillow across the room, like a dufus. the cat leapt from the bed.

“what is it?” my boyfriend asked. “come here.” he pulled on my arm to try to get me to come closer to him. i just lay, face down, on the mattress, crying. i made myself become dead weight so that i couldn't be pulled over. i was too much of a loser to get close to anyone.

the next day i got an email from my cousin. she forwarded me the address of our other cousin's son's online journal. he's documenting the pioneering and risky stem cell operation that he's having tomorrow.

he broke his neck five years ago on a trampoline, when he was 20, and has since been paralyzed.

my heart got a start when i opened the email. i didn't realize the surgery was so soon.

i guess i got the real wake-up call i needed.

good luck to the strongest team i've ever met.