you think your sh*t don't stink?

water lilies
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

"...and there's a piece of waste stuck on the bathroom wall. i filed a complaint with human resources." she heralded.

"what do you mean 'waste'?"

"human waste. excrement."

this is why i hate office jobs. job jobs. people are just gross, gross things. i hate to be around them: the hoi polloi.

i remember my last office job. as uninspiring as it was, i was forced to develop a crush on the custodial engineer, brian. he had his name, in a script font, emblazoned on his uniform. i looked forward to brian sightings at 1:15, when he came to empty my recycling bin. presumably into the garbage.

"hi brian..." i'd say shyly, in between bites of my microwavable chicken madras. i probably had some on my face.

i remember one of our conversations:
Brian: How are you?
Me: Tired.
B: Late night or early morning?
M: Neither. I'm just always tired.
B: Vacation coming up?
M: No. I already had that. I have nothing to look forward to.

so you see? i so totally charmed this man. i charmed his damn pants off.

let’s also take a look at one of our early morning exchanges:

i walked into the women's bathroom, and to the furthest stall possible. i consider it the one least used, and hence, the least infected. but that morning i was met, most horrifically, with a toilet replete with poo.

"VILE!" i screamed. "BEASTS!"

i knew brian was on his way to do his morning rounds. because of my love for my custodial technician and my need to protect him from the odious behavior of femalekind, i covered my face with my sleeve and took a flying, blind leap at the toilet handle.

the toilet started to flush, but instead of everything going down, it started to rise. i screamed louder and louder with each inch. once the water, and the floating poos, reached the top, the water started to spill over the side, and not unlike a nasty car crash, i couldn't pull my eyes away from the disaster that was to follow.

a poo started to make its way over the toilet seat towards the floor. and right when this happened, the rising water subsided. the poo was left perched on the toilet seat.

i screamed a final time. the perched poo sat, quite breached and quite contentedly, on the toilet seat. i ran from this house of repugnancy.

and who was waiting outside?

brian. of course.

i looked at him. i pointed to the door and wanted to say, "i didn't do THAT!"

but my tiny pea brain realized that this would be the first thing that someone who actually did do THAT would say. i just slumped my shoulders and walked away. defeated. the perched poo trounced me.

i know brian thinks, still to this day, that i perched that poo.