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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

i like my own medicine



Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

not too long ago, i was having a steam bath with a friend in a slightly opulent hotel. two girls entered and started talking about hilary duff or earrings or something. then one of their cell phones rang. why she had her cell phone in a steam room is beyond my comprehension, but she attempted to answer it. due to the steam, it flew out of her hand and smashed on the floor.

good. it's broken. get out of here, i thought.

"oh my gawd! i wonder who called!" said the girl.

it finally got too hot and they left. my friend and i sat for a few moments, enjoying the silence. eventually i felt the need to confess.

"whenever i'm in a hot tub or sauna or whatever, i really, really hate it when someone else is there. it's like a burning hatred. i feel like the place is mine, that they’re intruding. is that wrong?"

"no. i feel as though they have no business here."


on another occasion, i was sent to some barren wasteland for a job. the only good thing about being sent away and forced to stay in a mariott is the hot tub. when i got in from work, at 9 pm, i'd look into the atrium at our common hot tub.

good. it's empty. i raced down before anyone else got the same idea.

i started to heat up and relax. i closed my eyes. soon enough, i felt the water level rise a few inches. i opened my eyes.

a businessman.

"hi there! you looked a little lonely. thought i'd join you..."

american businessmen view the hot tub as a networking opportunity. i don't know how to educate them that this is not the time for them and their bellies to be talking to me.

"the name's terry. i'm in plastics. how about you?" he attempted.

i half smirk. "computers... wow. it's too hot. i feel like i'm going to pass out. good night."

"fainting, huh? must be that half bottle of champagne you brought down. that's what's making your blood pressure drop..."


last night i was soaking in my gym's hot tub. a woman, not even wearing a bathing suit, but shorts and a top, decided to join me. she positioned herself in such a way so that a jet shot air and water directly into her shorts. they ballooned up to the surface.

ugh. i rolled my eyes.

every time she repositioned herself, i was hoping it was to leave. but it was simply to reballoon herself.

i retreated to the sauna.


the other day i was reading at a starbucks when a slender, slightly insane man approached me.

"are you finished with this table?"

"no, i only just got here." i replied.

"i'd like this table."

"there are plenty of empty tables." i gesticulated around the room.

"this one has the best light, the best view," was his rejoinder.

he was right. it was a pretty good spot. i appreciated the view, and the light, a little more.

"you're welcome to join me." i kicked the other chair out from under the table.

he huffed. "i'll wait 'til you leave... or maybe you won't be here tomorrow."

that's right. i smiled sardonically as i realized the power in being the annoyer.

6 Comments:

At March 01, 2006, Anonymous Buxom S. said...

oh my god...it's just like the tappity-tap-tap stick.

those girlz were lozerz (yes...the "z" is on purpose)

i hope you went back even earlier today and stole the table. and i hope you go back even EARLIER tomorrow.

spread the love, KCrkhd...spread the love...

 
At March 03, 2006, Blogger frogpajamas said...

hot tubs ick me out. everyone's feet boiling in a common soup. the thought of germ laden water entering my bodily crevices makes me fear the public tubs.

steam rooms - yes, paradise. when alone, of course.

 
At March 03, 2006, Blogger Kell said...

I have a harrowing story about a photography trip I took to Haiti. I was staying in a huge house with about 18 others.

I was having a near meltdown and needed to be alone. The one afternoon everyone left, I retreated to my bedroom. Within two minutes, the maid's son knocked on the door. By the time I got him what he wanted, everyone came back to the house. I lost my moment.

Because of the dangers of Haiti, it was impossible to go out at night unless you had an entourage with you. In the evenings, to feel like we were out, we sat on the upstairs deck. There was a lovely spot on the roof - but to get there, one would have to pass through the roof deck.

I didn't have that kind of time. I told ONE person I was going to bed and needed to be alone.

Within three minutes, my roommates came in, wondering what was wrong. I explained I needed some alone time. The tears were welling up at this time - because try as I may, no one was leaving me alone. Their version of help was to sit, rub my back and figure out my problems.

I hadn't any problems. I just *reeeeely* needed to be alone.

Roommates left. I put earplugs in. My friend Nancy knocks at the door. When I don't reply, she comes in. Rubs my back. I pull the earplugs out - and explain that I need to be alone. She leaves.

Earplugs back in. Friend Jack comes in. I just lose it. I'm weeping because I need alone time and just can't have it. He asks if I'm menstrual. I put the pillow over my head. "No, Kelly. I live in a house full of females..." I explained that where I appreciate his concern, I didnt' want to see anyone else that evening. He told me he didn't understand.

He leaves. I put the earplugs back in. The silence is deafening because I knew it was temporary. Enter Bob. Earplugs out. "Bob - Will you forgive me if I just tell you to go away?" "Sure Kelly."

Then I just pretended to be asleep. I can be quite convincing if I snore a little.

 
At March 05, 2006, Blogger Jodi said...

I think I just fell in love with you.

 
At March 22, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't like it when there are other people in the elevator, public washrooms, secret special smoking area, or laundry room. ESPECIALLY the laundry room. I have nothing to say to you people, I just want to wash my underpants. - kjc

 
At April 06, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I recently learned how to send text messages on my cell. I accidentally sent the message "I just farted" to a complete stranger. -kjc

 

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