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Monday, September 11, 2006

it was christmas eve a couple of years ago and i was checking my messages from my boyfriend's place.

"oh no..." i exclaimed. i looked at my boyfriend as tears welled in my eyes.

"what? what is it?"

"oh no..." i repeated. i hung up the phone and placed my face in my hands.

"who died?"

i looked at my boyfriend. "ch... ch... "i was stuttering and stammering. "i can't even say it..."

"who died?" he repeated.

i realized i was worrying him. "charlie," i replied.

"charlie..." he repeated.

charlie was a mutual friend's wire-haired daschund. he had a little human's soul in him though. he was partially responsible for the assembling of me and my boyfriend: our first date was comprised of us walking him.

6 weeks ago my 17-year old kitten got fussy about her food. 5 weeks after that the vet discovered 2 tumors in her belly and intestine. this past tuesday, the vet put my paxis to sleep. she died in my arms, i heard her last tiny breath. it was not peaceful. not like everyone says. it was not violent or aggressive, but it was just not peaceful.

the vet gave her a month max. she made it to a week. paxis used to weigh close to 15 pounds - i used to do bicep curls with her. when she was dying, she was only 5 lbs. and about 2 of those pounds were tumors.

she was a birthday present. from my first boyfriend, my first love. he left me, and he left her behind.

she had nicknames ("misses kisses") and she had slogans ("paxis, complete with paws!"), her favorite group was basement jaxx, she could balance on my head, i could vacuum her, and she often joined me in the shower. she understood "up!", "lie down", and "do you want a treat?"

she was the most stable thing in my life, myself included. she moved with me to all my different apartments (12 times), she's seen every single one of my boyfriends come and go. she told me who sucked and who didn't. she was the one who went to bed with me every night, and greeted me when i stirred in the morning.

she liked soft-spoken people; had a great distaste for insufferable people. she had a proclivity for girls. and gay men. the gayer the better, in fact. during my housewarming party she sought refuge in a closet. towards the end of the night when i didn't find her there, i looked around the rest of the apartment. who did i see rolling around on the bed with a transvestite friend who showed up in drag? little miss thing.

for three days after she died, i walked around willing to do anything to bring her back. i now understand how people can make deals with the devil.

she collapsed on the floor the day she was to die. i lay on my side looking into her eyes. i watched one of them dialate completely, while the other remained a cat-eye slit. i knew this meant she was pretty much gone - the vet later informed me it was because her brain was hemorrhaging - but she still able to move her tail when i said her name.

she was an angel. in a furry disguise.


At September 11, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

she was beautiful...

At September 11, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

my soul is a leaf
fallen from purpose
to be remembered

i'll miss her jumping up onto the bed whenever i'd visit. i'll miss her single syllable "m'ow" reply whenever i'd ask her how she was doing. i'll miss her.

At September 11, 2006, Blogger Molly said...

That's really sad :o(

At September 11, 2006, Blogger mipmup said...

heartbreaking. i'm so sorry.

At September 11, 2006, Anonymous catie said...

I've got three cats. The oldest I've had for 16 years. I understand how these furry creatures take up residence in our hearts. I am so very sorry for your loss.

At September 11, 2006, Blogger jim said...

Bongito will take good care of her.

At September 12, 2006, Blogger Kell said...

Aw, jeez. I'm so sorry to hear that your dear friend died. That's so very, very sad - and I don't know what to say, although it seems that she was a superior cat - and I'm glad she found you - you seem to have understood her very, very well.

At September 12, 2006, Anonymous Leigh said...

I am so sorry. The pain of walking around wanting your kitty back is so painful. A year later and I am still walking around wanting my beloved cat back.

At September 14, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry to hear about paxis!

because i've had the pleasure of meeting the devine feline, i felt that it was time to de-lurk and post my condolences.

sending a big warm hug from the UK,

At September 14, 2006, Blogger sass said...

thanks to everyone who offered their sympathies. i was aware of the effect she had on people (it was her beautiful, flowy fur). she'd even been known to convert cat-dislikers... the power of my min...

people say it's harder to deal with the death of a pet than the death of a person. i guess it has to do with their unconditional love. people who get to know us inevitably hurt us.

thanks again to everyone who thought she was awesome. and to those who babysat her on my jaunts.

At September 17, 2006, Anonymous Kathryn said...

I'm so sorry about your sweet cat. We lost ours in a similar way in April. Some cats are really so very special, and like a member of the family, you spend so much time with them and they love you unconditionally. It's very hard when they are suddenly gone.

At September 18, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat, my dear. I'm sure you miss her a lot. Let's toast her next time we get together


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