on perineal censorship

"you EDITED!" she accusatorily hurled at me, a glass of champagne in one hand, a whiskey in the other. "you removed 'labia majora'."

"but i left ‘perineum’!" i defended.

"a ‘perineum’ is not enough! put the ‘labia’ back!"

my retract had been discovered. and i was getting in trouble. and it was merited.


in a related conversation a few days previous, i was speaking to a friend who was having censorship issues. i told her that whenever i came to that roadblock, the roadblock of whether or not to type "rectum" or "anal cavity", i realized that was the tipping point between creating something interesting or simply (e-)publishing some more white-washed drivel.

"your blog is great krista - just remember to keep it clean!" wrote one of my uncles several months ago. he signed it "your puritanical uncle".

"how am i supposed to deal with this?" i asked my sister.

"don't censor yourself! that's the worst thing you can do!" advised the woman who'll blog about how much her daughter is on a mission to make her lose her mind. “if he can’t handle it, he doesn’t have to read it. there are far worse things on the internet.”

there certainly are. the worst thing i’ve blogged about is someone taking an aqua-dump in a lake and throwing it at someone else’s chin.

so it was with great remorse and against my better judgment that i removed the 'labia majora’ from my previous blog. people were becoming too upset. i was advised to alert the authorities. i heard that another woman lost a night's sleep. i write these things to amuse, not to upset. it wasn't as though there had been actual contact with my labia majora or perineum; it was more as though his sights were set and there was great intention, aim, and aspiration. and a tiny slip of the lavender-lubricated hand would have realized those targets. all under the guise of "oopsies. well, isn't this quite the fervent massage..."

"i like 'perineum', but i like 'labia majora' more. put it back!" she barked.

the table next to us looked over with disdain.

"oops," she said. "i guess we should keep it down."