if you said goodbye 20 minutes ago, why are you still here?

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

"you better start speaking more."

this is what my parents would always tell me, year after year, when they came back from meeting with my grade school teachers. "you're going to be held back a grade or put into the 'special' class if you don't participate more." fear struck the core of my being, but i still could not bring myself to speak more in class.

being quiet has haunted me into my adult life. i always hear the communist whisperings of others who think i'm too shy, too quiet, too withdrawn, too bitchy (see april 30 ). it usually comes from boyfriends' friends who sit them down and ask, "what is it you see in her?" i've beaten myself up for not being the perky, chatty, convivial girl. i've tried to alter my character, but always made an arse out of myself in the process.

acceptance of my alleged defect was solidified when a girlfriend told me how she used to chide herself for not being more "chit-chatty", like the girls sitting behind her in her industrial arts class. so one day she turned around and said, "you're wearing transparent nail polish - that looks really nice." the girl and her friend looked at each other and said, "we would have said 'clear', but then we're not smart like you." so my friend just turned back around in her chair and waited for the class to begin.

as much as I disconcert chatty, blathery people; they annoy me just the same. a few days ago an LA screenwriter wandered into our midst. and there he remained prattling on about relative nothingness, his shoulder-length locks blowing in the wind. we looked at him in disinterest, but he'd just move on to a new topic, equally as uninteresting as the last. "it's pretty unreal that i just got a parking ticket."

"yes. yes it is."

the art of the graceful exit is gone.

not realizing that he had interrupted our conversation, and seeing that there was no saving it, i decided to depart. he continued to talk, broaching new subjects. as i inched away, he advanced forward, "hey, i really didn't mean what I said earlier. what i really meant was..."