get a grip

inner city, senegal
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

my first experience with whole foods was somewhere near houston, texas. i was touring with the tony award-winning broadway show "bring in 'da noise, bring in 'da funk".

in what capacity, you ask. you didn't know that i was a tap dancer, did you? i've got quite the pair of fancy feet.

actually, i was working as a nanny for my friend's 13-month old son. i took the job because i was, once again, "in between contracts". i also wanted to travel around the states and stay in hotels.

one morning my employer, myself, the baby, and the gps system set out to find some groceries. we were driving around the urban sprawl that is houston looking for the store that his gps had set its sights on. after about 45 minutes, i asked, "is this the closest grocery store to us?"

"no, but it's the closest "whole foods'".

my friend was a tad gps-happy and enjoyed embarking on voyages within cities that he didn't know to find birkenstock dispensaries and organic food outlets.

"whole what?"

keep in mind this was about 4 years ago, right before their huge global anti-globalization conquest.

imagine my consternation when four oranges and box of granola bars came out to $49.

on the ride back to the hotel, i was relentlessly given a homily on the merits of organic kale.

sure. but what about the three-hour trek it took to get out there. in this huge SUV? how does that fare with your "save the earth" senses?

i've got a free-range bone to pick with whole foods. they purport this organic state of being, which can be good and all, but why not take it all the way?

whole foods has these ugly-ass cupcakes that you can buy singularly. that is ONE ugly ass cupcake. they come encased in a clear plastic case. ONE cupcake in an environmentally-destroying, wasteful, and expensive plastic case. it's the dumbest looking thing in the world. and whoever buys these stupid-ass cupcakes is even dumber.

"but it's recyclable!" someone would inevitably whine.

sure, but WHO in new york recycles? me. that's who. no one else does. every morning i go and dig out the water bottles and pizza boxes out of the garbage and transfer them to the blue can - the one for recycling.

if you buy a piece of fish at whole foods, it also goes into the plastic case. then when you take your basket of plastic cases to the checkout, the cashier will take 8 minutes - no joke - to preciously place each of your items into a plastic bag. each of these items in the plastic bag then goes into a more durable plastic bag - for the carrying home. these durable plastic bags are then double bagged, just in case something decides to implode. and off you go - $37 for a muffin and catfish filet. and 18 pounds of plastic.

i'll work equally as hard as the cashier, removing and consolidating items as she continues to preciously triple wrap. i leave a fluffy pile of bag detritus in my wake. she'll gather them with both her arms, all 319 of them, and place them in the garbage.

whole foods. organic wonders saving the earth.

i bought a quart of milk at the deli the other night. as he was placing it in a bag, i told him that i didn't need it. i lived just 3 feet away.

"take," he thrust the bag at me.

"i have a hundred bags at home. i don't need."

"now you have a hundred and one."