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Thursday, September 21, 2006

curb your insanity

apple store
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.
i had to move out of my apartment on the day that my cat died. so as soon as i got my computer set up in my new digs, i booked a ticket to new york, so that i could abscond.

i decided to take my old friend, let's call him cimabue, up on an offer to stay at his place. it's very central, convenient, and i could come and go as i please. i stayed there before, on his couch, with great success. i've known cimabue for about 12 years. we got along great, despite the age difference.

i arrived at his place at 11am.

"krista. i'm glad i was here. i thought you meant 11pm. i'm headed out. do you want to nap?"

"i didn't sleep at all last night..."

"take a nap! i just got a new duvet cover. it's flannel. you can sleep in my bed while i'm gone."

i took a nap while he was out. and then met a friend for drinks after work. i got back to cimabue's around 10pm. he brought me some sheets for the couch.

"krista," he cooed as we put the sheets on the couch, "you know you can sleep with me."

i looked at him.

"i won't touch you, i promise," he continued.

"i think i'd be more comfortable on the couch..."

"sleep in my bed."

"um, cimabue, i'd really be more comfortable sleeping on the couch."


"i tend to toss and turn."

"won't bother me. you'll love the new flannel duvet cover."

"i know, but cimabue, i'd really be more comfortable if i had my own space - a bit of privacy."

"oh yes. i understand." and with that he walked away.

only to return three minutes later. this time he had pouty, sad-man face.

"kristaaa... why won't you sleep with me?"

i sighed. not my idea of a vacation.

the next morning i got the silent treatment. AND it seemed i did everything wrong. i steamed up the bathroom too much, i fed the fish too much, i used too much time on the internet, and asked to use the phone when i clearly shouldn't have.

i returned that evening to him letting me in and him going straight to bed. the silent treatment deluxe.

the next morning, however, he was in fine form. so was i as i packed up. i was staying with a girlfriend that night.

"krista, look at my new shirt."

"krista, do you want to feed the fish?"

"krista, look at this letter from my lawyer."

"krista, don't stay at a hotel. that costs you money. you can come back here after tonight."

to which i replied, "nice", "sure", "look at the grammatical error", and "no thanks."

"well, how about working for me at the shoot on saturday? take some stills. i'll buy you dinner."

"i don't know, cimabue. i'm checking into the hotel on saturday and i really just kinda want to chill. you know, relax."

"you don't want to work for me because you're at a hotel."

"i'll let you know. how's that? i'll call you tomorrow."

the pouty face reared again. "so it's not a 'no'?"

"that's right. it's a 'maybe'."

"you're NOT working for him tomorrow," said my girlfriend after i recounted the story.

"no, i'm not." and we went back to watching dave chapelle.

the next morning i received an email with the subject field "my computer screen" from cimabue. this is what it read:


I have to tell you I am very angry. After you left, I went to my computer and noticed what appears to be a deep fingernail indentation in my new flat screen display. This was NOT there the evening before your arrival.

I did notice you point to the screen a number of times in my presence [ed. note: when i pointed out his ass of a lawyer's grammatical error] but I was not looking over your shoulder every second that you used my computer for your emails.

The curve of the arc of he indentation is clearly that of a nail. Please do not ask to stay with me in the future.

[name withheld]."

"are you fucking kidding me!?" asked my friend. "how LONG did he search his apartment for something to blame you for?"

"he's mad that i didn't want to work for him..."

"he's mad that you didn't want to SLEEP with him."

because i'm prone to the second guessing of myself, which is weird considering i didn't even touch his monitor, the next time i was at the apple store, i scratched my nail along the bottom corner of the new 24" imac.


nothing on the monitor. nothing left of the friendship.


At September 22, 2006, Blogger devo said...

Wow, from zero to lecherous in 12.2 seconds. Impressive. BTW, love the fictional names you use.

At September 22, 2006, Blogger Kell said...

So long and good luck... It's pretty bad, isn't it?

At September 22, 2006, Anonymous Buxom S. said...

good lawd...what is with these guy friends in nyc and their unhealthy attachments to their computer parts? (see blog of Friday, March 24, 2006 entitled: "whenever minutes")

At September 26, 2006, Blogger frogpajamas said...

Cimabue: (noun) a disturbed individual who requires conflict within relationships in order to justify the rejection of his limp 'futon.

At October 06, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a drama queen jerk!
I really hope he reads your blog.


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