the embarra-crush

alexe and sosi
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

not too long ago, i revealed to a friend that i had developed an unfortunate crush on leonardo dicraprio. it was due to the watching of blood diamond. and the reason was his perfectly awful south african accent.


in late winter i noticed that a "comedy writing workshop" was being offered by a man who i have been triflingly stalking for a couple of years. not for reasons of any accent, but for reasons of his writing.

i was too scared to join alone, so i forced a friend to sign up as well. during the first class, we all introduced ourselves. there was "sweater", who declared that graph paper was the only way to go when writing down email addresses. there was the "angry russian journalist" who could not understand the difference between kramer and jerry, and the "stand up comic" who responded to statements like, "that can be a pain in the ass…" with "... and so's a greek with a hard on!" and finally there was the guy who could not stop mentioning warren buffet.

comedy class.

"i don't want to read my story to these people. i don't want to share any part of myself with these people." stated my friend after one of the classes. i was debilitated with guilt.

"i'm sure we'll be laughing about this in a couple of days... hey - do you think we should maybe call the police? i'm sure those jokes about the arabs and the jews constitute hate literature."

"i think that guy has a goiter. that's not just a double chin."


on another occasion, my stalkee-teacher decided it would be a good idea to present audio clips of stand up comedians to give us an idea of what's considered funny. because it certainly wasn't our efforts. he played a five-minute bit on someone going on about hot pockets - that weird microwave thing. sweater, anger, and the closeted homosexual sat grim-faced while every time the comedian sang the "hot pocket" theme, i curled up in laughter. but because no one else found it funny, i suppressed my laughter, which only made tears flow.

while digging my friend's car out of the snow after class, i confessed how the singing of the hot pocket song made me break out into a sweat.

"i got really cold when it ended," she confided.

"my knees almost gave out."

"holding in my laughter made me pee."

"i don't see how anyone could find warren buffet funny."


later that week i emailed the teacher with my concerns about the anti-jewish/anti-arab sentiment from double-chin (the goiter is under investigation). he emailed back saying that "sometimes the attempt at comedy can be ugly."

he shall be stalked no more.