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Sunday, August 07, 2005

on death and flying

mr chuckles
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

it's been brought to my attention that my past few postings have been on death and dying. it may appear that i am morbid and depressed. not so. and to prove it, i am going to recount two very humorous stories. they are based on things that are not supposed to be in the air hitting people in the face.

confused, intrigued, saddened? read on.

a while back, my boyfriend at the time and i were visiting some of his friends in greece. the couple, who were comprised of a greek man and a french woman, had several other visitors as well - a whole battalion had come from france. it was a gorgeous evening and we were all gathered around the outdoor table in their courtyard. there were about 15 of us in total. my boyfriend's brother got up to help himself to an additional lamb chops off the grill.

"here alex, take this plate."

"no, no. i'm only going to grab one. i'm stuffed."

"alex, they're hot. take the plate."

he shook his head and grabbed a lamb chop right off the grill and headed back to his chair. within 1.5 seconds, the chop started to burn his fingers and he broke into a trot.

"ow, ow, ow" he said, his face contorting with pain.

the next thing that happened, i swear, happened in slow motion. his reflexes took over and as he was running he let go of the flaming lamp chop. he sent it flying through the air. it sailed over a few people's heads and then started its descent.

it's going to hit someone plum in the face, i thought.

the flaming chop hit a french woman square on the cheek and fell onto her plate with a clunk. two seconds of silence befell the table. i burst into laughter. i was the only one.

i was laughing for three reasons:
1. the lamb chop cooled in flight
2. it only made contact with her cheek for a nanosecond
3. it was the funniest thing i ever saw

alex immediately ran to her aid, apologizing PROFUSELY. but my laughter started to make him laugh. the hostess was yelling at alex and, i'm sure, wanted to throw him out on his ear. everyone around the table sat there with their mouths agape. except me, who had tears streaming down my face.


not too long ago, a friend of mine was telling me about his experiences at camp.

"i hate camp." he said

"me too. camp SUCKED!" i concurred.

"well, i had one of those crazy guys at my camp. you know, one of those kids that was certifiably crazy. and dangerous."

i knew that kid all too well. i was terrorized by a girl named julia winn. i have no trouble typing out her full name, for she was a TERROR. she made me get on the teeter totter. she weighed 430 pounds heavier than me, so the teeter totter obviously only went in one direction. as she held me high up in the air for what seemed like ever, she got this malicious grin on her face. she got off the teeter totter and i fell to the earth and knocked out my front teeth.

anyway... so my friend, let's call him jennifer to protect his identity, went to camp and had to go on some canoe excursion with the julia winn of his youth, who we'll call toby.

so as jennifer and toby were rowing into the wilderness, toby decided to take a dump into the palm of his hand. he then called jennifer's name. jennifer turned around, only to see the airborn poo sailing towards his face. he tried to duck, but didn't have enough time. the airborne poo clipped him right on the chin.

when my friend told me that story, i could not believe what i was hearing. it was too good to be true.

“a palmful of poo hit you!?”

“yes. on the chin.”

“shit. shit hit you on the chin.”


“what did you DO?”

“i washed it off.”

and those, my friends, are the two funniest stories of all time.


At August 07, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry about Jennifer...Toby sounds like a dink. But I must say that a well-timed handful of poo can be very effective.

Buxom S.

At August 08, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that when lamb chops fly through the air - especially flaming - it is so funny I can't breathe. Feces flying through the air however, makes me want to beat the fuck out of that fat bastard Toby. -kjc

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