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Tuesday, March 28, 2006


Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

when i was touring around with "bring in 'da noise...", a friend and i became addicted to crack. how could we not? it was omnipresent - every bar, down every street, everywhere we turned.

it was the early 2000s, and low, low, low cut jeans were in. barely rising above your hip bones, scarcely covering supple buttocks, and, yes, exposing oh-so-many cracks.

why? what did you think i was talking about?

all this ass-crack was a novelty for us. every time we'd spot it, we'd smile and point right into it.

"crack" we'd say, matter-of-factly.

we couldn't get enough.

during the winters i tend to eat a lot and not move so much. my buttocks expand. i recently tried to put them into a pair of already tight-fitting jeans. it was a struggle.

i was at a client site and was putting on my winter boots. i felt a draft, a chill, a slight breeze and looked to my stern to see what was afoot.

i gasped.

my ass!

oh the crack that i was forcing unto credulous governmental eyes!

my best friend's niece, who is about 4 years old, already speaks french and greek. when i saw her this past weekend, she had picked up english as well. it really is amazing to see how these young little minds can learn so much - in two weeks.

she was looking a little frustrated at one point and i asked what was wrong.

"my BALL! it's under the couch."

i commanded her 14 year-old sister to find it. i was watching COPS. i couldn't get up.

"all right," she said. "just don't look at my crack."

she crouched by the couch and searched for the ball.

"i can't find it!"

"reach deeper," i coached.

her 4 year-old sister with her newfound language skills walked over and pointed down the back of her sister's pants, into the gaping chasm.


awesome. that's the kind of family i want.


At March 29, 2006, Blogger vanou said...

We yell "Plombier"!

At March 29, 2006, Blogger jim said...

It works! I yelled "Ass Crack!" and Alana giggled like mad!

At March 29, 2006, Anonymous Buxom S. said...

My ass crack is my nicest feature. I use it as a contract negotiating tactic.

In fact, it is on display right now and i'm in a big bidniss meeting.

At March 29, 2006, Blogger Kell said...

We called it Plumber's Crack - but just 'cause we're so polite.

At March 29, 2006, Anonymous lori said...

oh my god.... is it possible that you just keep getting funnier and funnier?


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