faking it

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

so i was in new york again, because i got tickets to see my boyfriend, jon stewart. i didn't overhype the whole situation, because i know how let down i become once i allow myself to become excited. in fact, after two hours in line, i had completely lost my mojo.

"i'm hungry. i want to go to bed." i said to my daily show partner.

"maybe they'll give us some kool aid once we're inside."

but there was no kool aid or cookie (what i truly desired) inside. instead, there was tony-the-warm-up guy.

he said oh-such-funny-things as "hey who's this loud guinea?” (in reference to himself), and "hey lady, you look like you wanna be at 'oprah'".

and when someone asked him where he went to university, he lay down in front of the questionee and placed his genitalia in her face. "hey! check these out! what da ya think of this schooling?"

apparently, he went to law school.

we were then forced to stand up and cheer and laugh. we had to laugh and cheer as loudly as possible because the space is big. and our enthusiasm can get lost in this large space. we were miked and were told to be spontaneous.

by the third practice cheer, i was ready to pass out. i just can't fake it. i stood with my arms crossed and leaned against the railing. when tony-the-warm-up guy looked over my way, i made an "O" shape with my mouth, to give the illusion that i was in mid-whoop.

later, over beers, mojitos, and a taco platter, my daily show partner remarked how happy he was that tony-the-warm-up-guy didn't head over our way with his probing, and slightly disrespectful, questions.

"imagine? i've never been one for enthusiasm."

"not only would we have ruined the show for ourselves, but we would have ruined it for all of humanity."

"mm", i concurred, finishing off the chicken wings.

after tony-the-warm-up-guy sufficiently depressed us, my boyfriend jon stewart came out to answer a few questions. people asked things like "who do you dream of interviewing?", and "what did you really think of your last interview with senator mccain?" he answered each question with patience and humor. he sometimes stroked his chin and said, "VERY interesting question..."

and then the inevitable happened. what appeared to be a vegetesbian stood up and asked, "so jon, is it boxers or briefs?"

"neither. i'm free-balling it. next question."

and it was then and there that i blanked out. i had imagined those fantastic testes, a mere 9 feet from my receiving mouth, knocking around in those pants.

so i have no recollection of the show. something was said about laura bush, samantha bee said something about "begaying" something or other, and stephen colbert said that he had a baby eagle.

and there was mention of “sphincter”.

h-h-h-h-hot.