okay. now i'm angry.

metropolitan museum of art
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

the tipping point, i guess.

a friend of mine's brother went scuba diving on saturday and never came home. according to his partners, he went missing for one minute and they found him one minute after that, floating on the surface.

he was 39 and loved his sister immensely. he was athletic and healthy and young and his gear did not malfunction. now she has no one to look after her. i listened to her going through waves of utter grief, rationalizing, and disbelief. and saying how it's not fair. that he's supposed to be there for her on her birthday weekend.

i was up for a good part of the night thinking about my friend and what she's going through. how she doesn’t deserve it.

and now i'm mad.

and i started to think about people who make me mad.

one in particular came to mind.


years ago, i was consulting at a pharmaceutical company - it was a good job. i enjoyed the content matter for once. and things were going well, until i ran into the brother of my ex-boyfriend. we gave each other icy stares - it had only been a few months before that i had been in court with his brother.

and after that, things got a little chilly in the office. my contract seemed to dwindle before its due date. i knew that he, as a staff member, had said some things that were going to get me ousted. the woman i worked for never thanked me for my work. she spoke to me like i was dirt. like it wasn't worth her time. and it is with her that i am angry.

years later, the brother left his card on my bicycle. my bike is pink and is clearly unmistakable for anyone else's.

"if this is you, krista, call me."

i waited weeks, nay months, before i called him. he had hurt me beyond explication. the kind of hurt that can never be undone: he forbade me to come to his brother's memorial service.

we didn't talk about his brother. i wanted to. i wanted answers. but he didn't go there. i figured we could maybe talk about it "next" time.

but i did bring up the job.

"what did you say to [name withheld]?"

"i told her to get rid of you because you brought my brother to court on bogus charges."

there was silence.

"uh huh," i said, realizing that there may be the possibility that he still believed the charge were bogus.

even though his brother, the ex-boyfriend, pleaded guilty to all charges of breaking and entering, damage to property, confinement or whatever, and sexual assault.

so i've been holding onto all this anger towards this woman who only heard one side of a story and decided to fire me on top of everything else. a woman - woman - who on the basis of gender alone is supposed to take my side.

i fantasize about running into her one day. and simply saying that if she were to ever, ever find herself in her own home being confined by her wrists that she would never have to hear that people believed her account was bogus.


but even more importantly, what i have also not forgotten are all the people who offered to accompany me to court. many of whom i hadn't even known that long. because that is what we are supposed to do for others. listen and support even if we don't know the story. or the charges. or the cause of death.