brut

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

it was my last night in prague and i was having a lie down on the couch. i heard my aunt and our host discussing our dinner plans in the other room.

"i think we should eat czech on our last night." my aunt proposed.

"that's a good idea. whatever you like, my queen. don't forget we have that champagne chilling."

"should we have it before or after dinner?"

"i think we should have it after dinner." he erroneously responded.

"no. let's have it before dinner. champagne is a cocktail." i corrected.

"i thought she was asleep..." he murmured. "at the first mention of champagne, she's suddenly awake."

i sat up and stretched. "okay. champagne. let's go."

__________

"this one's from hungary," he said as he popped the plastic cork. we looked on, dubiously.

"cheers!" we all said.

"to our gracious host," i said.

"to my lovely guests," he said.

we all drank and my aunt and i immediately turned up our noses. "hm," i said. "it's really sweet. where are the bubbles?"

"jean-pascal [all names are changed to protect the innocent], this is not drinkable. get the other champagne - the nice czech one we had last night."

"that one is not chilled."

"my niece brings you a lovely moet and you serve her this?"

"good thing for the plastic cork - you can drink it all week long, once we're gone. " i said, recorking it.

"jean-pascal, you need to be punished. get down on your knees. krista, how many lashes do you think he should get?"

"for that champagne?"

"yes, krista. and keep in mind your number will be doubled."

our host got 20 lashes for the champagne, his misbuttoned shirt, and driving too fast on the way home. he thanked her for each one.

as we were headed out to dinner, my aunt's slave put the more palatable czeck champagne in the fridge so that it would be chilled upon our return.

needles

i once dated a drunken drug addict. the relationship was, of course, peppered with verbal and physical abuse. and while i finally came to my senses and left this person, i never think i'll be able to metabolize the news that he killed himself.

i often think about him. i once gave him a prickly pear of a cactus. we called him federico. and federico came down with a strange epidermal condition. one day my ex took federico into the bathroom, put some of my aloe vera gel on a q-tip, and gently dabbed it onto the cactus’s wound.

"i want him to get better." he said.

how can someone who could do so much damage to their own self tenderly repair a cactus?

time of the gypsies

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

i just came back from prague. i was staying with a czech man, who, whenever i ventured outside, lectured me on the perils of the gypsies.

"you're going for a coffee? oh lord, do beware of the gypsies! they'll take you for all you're worth."

"yes, and after the coffee, i'm taking the train to bratislava."

"oh no you don't! the gypsies will rob you blind. they'll leave you for dead."

when i lived in rome, it was the same thing: "stay away from the forum! the gypsies will swarm you!"

i had no encounters with gypsies in eastern europe and only two over a three year span in rome.

my school was five minutes away from the coliseum. one day during a spare, i decided to go there to do my homework. this was before russell crowe brought the swarms of tourists that now line up around the amphitheatre. i was sitting on the stone steps, amid one or two tourists. i looked up and saw a 10 year old gypsy coming towards me, with the cardboard.

i smiled at her. she smiled back and walked away.

the second happened a few years ago when i went back to rome. i was having lunch with a friend in campo dei fiori when a young gypsy woman came around. she held her baby in one arm, the other hand asking for money, and her boob was out.

my fork, full of risotto, froze in mid air, my mouth agape. my friend's coffee spilled out of the sides of his mouth. she was the most beautiful woman i had ever set eyes upon. she was probably in her early 20s with long dark brown hair. everything about her was free: her clothing, her baby, her bare feet, her laughter, her freckles... her attitude about her boob in my face.

i was besotted.

we gave her copious amounts of cash. we handed it over by the handful. the waiter stumbled out of the cafe and handed over a wad of bills.

she laughed and walked away.

it took about five minutes for us to be able to speak again.

a question i once asked that i'm not terribly proud of...

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

"hey karen - what time is midnight mass at?"

the "in between contracts" effect

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

i'm off to the czech republic, slovakia, and austria today. i plan on walking around, sitting for hours and drinking coffee, and looking at klimts.

oh, and czech beers. mm, beer.

don't judge a dj by his mom

"oh man, you gotta blog that."

"mm, i don't know. i don't want kanye west to show up at my front door and knock my block off."

"he WON'T."

__________

i bought a condo a year and a half ago. it was peppered with problems. luckily, the other people who live in this building are lovely, awesome people who organize condo association meetings during which they gripe, for about two and a half hours, about all of our problems. so while they prattled, i took a personal inventory of those around the table, and according to what i saw, i constructed their lives in my tiny brain.

one young man in particular stuck out – my neighbor. he never said a word at these meetings and always showed up with his mom. he always starting off into space, not really seeming to be affected by the gravity of most situations. sometimes he'd reach out to pet one of the cats, but that's about it. his mom was a real firecracker, however: "i can't have my son living in these conditions! do i need to be up all night worrying about his leg being caught in the elevator door?"

how sweet. i gently smiled at him. perhaps he's "special". but i'm glad he's independent enough to live on his own.

soon enough the gossip mill made us all aware of each other's professions. we learned why some of us drove escalades and others (me) drove rusted out civics. my condo association meetingly-challenged neighbor was a dj.

he once knocked on my door to borrow my swiffer. "did you break a glass? be careful!" i warned.

a couple of weeks ago, kanye "george bush don't care about black people" west was the musical guest on snl. i lay in bed watching the show and amid the fly girl dancers, i spotted my neighbor. i sat up screaming. i then worried that my screaming would wake up my neighbor, but then realized that he wasn't home.

i guess condo association meetings just isn't his thing.

he's kanye's dj. he's one of the best scratchers in the world. and now kanye's totally going to kick my ass off.

35

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

today is my birthday. i'm officially at an age where i should be worrying about lying about it. this is a "milestone", a "benchmark", if you will. to be honest, it was a whole lot easier than the last birthday - where i think i just started fretting about this one.

i was woken up by my cat sleeping right on my chest. as the name of this blog implies, she's portly. so when she does this, i can't breathe. i rolled over, she toppled, and we fell back asleep. it was divine.

when i finally got out of bed, there were already two renditions of "happy birthday" on my voice mail.

someone bought me a coffee at my coffeeshop and vito and vinnie sang yet one more version of "happy birthday".

my two boyfriends jon stewart sent me beautiful flowers (you know who yous are) and i got the long distance calls from everyone i love. i also reconnected with my old best friend from years ago. i don’t think we’ve spoken for 5 or 6 years…

i'm learning to let go of the expectations. and as i do this, i realize that getting older is not so bad. the unimportant, the uninteresting, and the unimpressive are weeding themselves out. my sights are narrowing and i'm realizing what is of value.

or perhaps i’m just high…