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Friday, August 26, 2005

booze optimization plan (BOP)

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

no one seems to be a fan of TOP.

it's been disassembled. i have better things to worry about.

like getting tanked 6 out of 7 nights of the week.

this morning i was having coffee with a friend and i vaguely remember not really understanding what he was talking about. so i repeated it. really slowly. with a question marks everywhere. like if he said, "i'm glad that reprobate was found guilty." and i responded, "reprobate? .... found .... guilty?"

he paused. "what the hell's the matter with you? your cognitive faculties are completely impaired."

"oh, really? did i sound dumb? i'm totally hungover."

my boyfriend got a part in a movie, so he, I, a portuguese chicken, and a bottle of veuve cliquot set out for a picnic in the park last night. we found ourselves at the liquor store ten minutes before closing, giggling and buying another.

today i can't string together a sentence or move my neck.

it was fantastic. and much needed.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

life's what happens when you're making other plans

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

a couple of weeks ago, i sat down and devised a Time Optimization Plan (TOP). this was an emergency measure that was put into effect so that i would have time to do my work AND do yoga/go for runs AND enjoy summer AND see my boyfriend AND eat.

it's failing miserably. i still don't have any time to do my dishes and the only time i'm permitted to pee is when i'm multitasking and talking on the phone. the reason why TOP is failing is because i didn't take into consideration that everything would fall apart. TOP operates on the assumption that people do their jobs and computers turn on. not so.

yesterday i made a tomato pasta sauce and the oregano and basil simply sat on top while the sauce simmered. i didn't have time to stir the sauce.

my bank decided not to send me any statements, misplace all my money, and charge me exorbitant bank fees because i'm now overdrawn. i've been screaming at them on the phone for a month. my nike watch broke. it'll take me 3 years to find the receipt and mail it back to them. my imac screen has a big red line through it. my ipod battery has 20 minutes of life in it, not "12 hours" like they profess. my telephone flew out of my slippery pasta fingers yesterday and smashed on the cement floor into forty nine pieces. i splurged on cute summer clothes a few weeks back. each and every piece is falling apart (anti product placement: benneton, bebe, and rw&co). i'm dressed in brand new clothes that are coming unraveling at the seams. i'm a ragamuffin.

i'd like to revise my Time Optimization Plan, but i didn't allot any time for revisions. it must stay as is, reminding me of my persistent failures.

yesterday i snapped. i went for a run and when i found the perfect running song (method man, if you must know), my left earphone kept flying out of my ear. i stopped, shook my fists to the heavens, and screamed out loud, "fuck you fucking THINGS!"

when TOP allows me some free time to rent "kung-fu hustle" or buy groceries or read a chapter of a book, ironically titled "how to be idle", i'm riddled with guilt. work is always in the back of my mind. my be-dustbunnied apartment halts my serotonin neurotransmitters, and the heap of clothing on my couch, from which i dress, reduces my breath to shallow gasps.

i can't go on like this. summer has passed me by. soon it'll be my entire life.

TOP, why have you forsaken me?!

now, if you'll excuse me, i must take 45 seconds to pace, pull out my hair, mumble to myself, and overdose on caffeine.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

gimme five...

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

i got tagged by my sister. this means you're supposed to type out, like, 5 million of your favorite things and five trillion nice things people have done for you. i figure no one really needs to know what's on my ipod (frank black's latest album) or what my top five movies are (showgirls), but someone did such a beautiful and random act of kindness today, i do think it must be counted as the number one nicest thing anyone has done for me in a while.

there's a character at my coffee shop, and by character, i mean a misunderstood, brilliant, and recluse man/musician. we've seen each other for years and i only recently started talking to him. i wanted to impart some of his knowledge. "are you done with that section of the paper?" i'd ask. before long, i didn't even have to ask: "i felt your eyes burning my shoulder - here, take this, i'm done." and he'd walk out of the coffee shop.

one day he walked up to me and gave me a baci chocolate. before i even had a chance to say, "thanks", he put his hand up to say "don't mention it." and walked out of the coffee shop.

yesterday it was a peach and an open invitation to his gym to swim at the pool. now i know what you're thinking - but he knows i have a boyfriend.

so today i walked up to him, "looks like a pool day!"

"yeah? you wanna go?"

he did his laps, i lounged and did my regular mega dose of thinking. he came back and we chatted. i've been having a super shitty week, being called, again, on my assorific personality. before i knew it, he was saying such magical things, such priceless advice, that i felt like i felt like i slipped into the twilight zone. i had to take a step away from the situation because it felt surreal, dreamlike, and that it wasn't actually happening. it was magical and will never be forgotten, even though i can't remember a word we said.

i went to the hot tub and when i came back, he gave me 9 long stem yellow roses. "what is this for?!" i asked.

"don't take it the wrong way. this afternoon is going to keep me going until the end of october."

i got home and as i was putting them into the vase, i burst into tears.

Monday, August 08, 2005

interview me...

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

i saw this interview game on this website and decided to get involved. if you want to play, this is what you do:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here were my answers:

1. What is your best feature?
the ability to see the obvious, right away. my worst feature? the ability to state the obvious, right away.

2. If you could meet anyone dead or alive, who would it be and why?
Martin Luther King. because I would never have another opportunity, in this lifetime, to be so humbled.

3. What do you believe is your purpose in life?
i have yet to figure that out. i’m hoping i haven’t made any mistakes so far.

4. What is your favorite color and why?
lime green. i don’t know.

5. What is your passion and why?
meeting intriguing people and learning things from them by asking questions and watching their eyes.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

on death and flying

mr chuckles
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

it's been brought to my attention that my past few postings have been on death and dying. it may appear that i am morbid and depressed. not so. and to prove it, i am going to recount two very humorous stories. they are based on things that are not supposed to be in the air hitting people in the face.

confused, intrigued, saddened? read on.

a while back, my boyfriend at the time and i were visiting some of his friends in greece. the couple, who were comprised of a greek man and a french woman, had several other visitors as well - a whole battalion had come from france. it was a gorgeous evening and we were all gathered around the outdoor table in their courtyard. there were about 15 of us in total. my boyfriend's brother got up to help himself to an additional lamb chops off the grill.

"here alex, take this plate."

"no, no. i'm only going to grab one. i'm stuffed."

"alex, they're hot. take the plate."

he shook his head and grabbed a lamb chop right off the grill and headed back to his chair. within 1.5 seconds, the chop started to burn his fingers and he broke into a trot.

"ow, ow, ow" he said, his face contorting with pain.

the next thing that happened, i swear, happened in slow motion. his reflexes took over and as he was running he let go of the flaming lamp chop. he sent it flying through the air. it sailed over a few people's heads and then started its descent.

it's going to hit someone plum in the face, i thought.

the flaming chop hit a french woman square on the cheek and fell onto her plate with a clunk. two seconds of silence befell the table. i burst into laughter. i was the only one.

i was laughing for three reasons:
1. the lamb chop cooled in flight
2. it only made contact with her cheek for a nanosecond
3. it was the funniest thing i ever saw

alex immediately ran to her aid, apologizing PROFUSELY. but my laughter started to make him laugh. the hostess was yelling at alex and, i'm sure, wanted to throw him out on his ear. everyone around the table sat there with their mouths agape. except me, who had tears streaming down my face.


not too long ago, a friend of mine was telling me about his experiences at camp.

"i hate camp." he said

"me too. camp SUCKED!" i concurred.

"well, i had one of those crazy guys at my camp. you know, one of those kids that was certifiably crazy. and dangerous."

i knew that kid all too well. i was terrorized by a girl named julia winn. i have no trouble typing out her full name, for she was a TERROR. she made me get on the teeter totter. she weighed 430 pounds heavier than me, so the teeter totter obviously only went in one direction. as she held me high up in the air for what seemed like ever, she got this malicious grin on her face. she got off the teeter totter and i fell to the earth and knocked out my front teeth.

anyway... so my friend, let's call him jennifer to protect his identity, went to camp and had to go on some canoe excursion with the julia winn of his youth, who we'll call toby.

so as jennifer and toby were rowing into the wilderness, toby decided to take a dump into the palm of his hand. he then called jennifer's name. jennifer turned around, only to see the airborn poo sailing towards his face. he tried to duck, but didn't have enough time. the airborne poo clipped him right on the chin.

when my friend told me that story, i could not believe what i was hearing. it was too good to be true.

“a palmful of poo hit you!?”

“yes. on the chin.”

“shit. shit hit you on the chin.”


“what did you DO?”

“i washed it off.”

and those, my friends, are the two funniest stories of all time.