les wasn't more

les
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

i'm nul and void. i'm empty on the inside.

i'm leaving tomorrow to find some more freaks for my freakbook.

please demonstrate patience.

if i say "gun it!", will you know what to do?

dysfunction
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

"and what do you say to the airline people to make them yell at you?"

"nothing," i defended. "i'd ask them 'when is this plane going to board?', or something like that."

"see. you just carry about you a natural state of derision towards people."


i figure you just don't have to talk to the drunk guy who sidles up next to you at a bar. i consider it perfectly appropriate to roll your eyes instead. this way the bartender is at least aware of your plight and mouths the words "do you want him out?" to you while thumbing towards the door.

his 10-minute monologue on what he does for a living, which was punctuated with a "sexy, isn't it?", just didn't do it for me. am i to blame for responding with a "actually, no, it's not," when i simply wanted a night out with my girlfriend.

so she's the friendly one. which is why he leaned over me to speak to her. or rather, to look at her huge and prominent breasts, which were fairly well hoisted into one of her many revealing tank tops.

i tended to agree with the bouncer anyway. i also thought jay, the drunk guy, was, in fact, a "douche".


we were stopped by a construction worker while driving through the idaho mountains. we were the only ones on that road. us and him. we'd been driving for half an hour and hadn't seen anyone. i rolled down my window.

"hi," i smiled. i do smile.

"it'll just be a few minutes. one of my guys will be by to help you through."

we chatted about our search for the hot springs and the beautiful sunny weather, which was oddly peppered with snow squalls ("microclimates!"). when we got onto the topic of their construction work, he informed us that all of the men were on a "work release program". my eyes bugged out.

"… as am i," he asserted.

my driving partner was the type of person who would immediately lock the car door as soon as i hopped out to use burger king's facilities. i'd turn around and roll my eyes at her, but she'd indicate some 12-year olds crossing the parking lot and hold up her cell phone, which was poised for dialing 9-1-1.

upon hearing that we were surrounded by no one but freed convicts, i feared how she would react.

don't do anything. do not run this man over. let me find out what he did... i thought.

"there's about 15 of us working out here, for about 2 weeks," he explained.

"and this is all organized by the... prison?" i asked.

"yes. they selected a handful of us for this job. two nights ago was the first time i'd seen stars in over 10 years. i sat outside my tent and watched them for hours."

i chastised myself for taking anything for granted. ever.

there was a pause. i think he noticed our questioning eyes.

"i come from a family where you don't hit a woman. and i took a man's life for doing so. and it cost me 15 years."

another pause.

"it's okay. it's my fault."

i shook my head, "no..."

it was then that our accompanying ride showed up.

"he'll get you to the other side."

we started the car and began to follow the truck. but that conversation is bereft. i wanted to open the car door and jump out. i wanted to ask about regrets, about impetuses, about compunction and circumstances. and possibly let him know that the world might be a better place without the man that he killed.

but the automatic doors locked as we started to move. all we did was wave goodbye.

big timber

big timber
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

"do you think you guys are still going to be friends by the time your trip's over?"

that was the question that was asked of me so many times before i embarked on a 2-week drive across the united states with a girlfriend.

i answered by shrugging one shoulder. "maybe not..."


"truth be known?"

"mm hmm," i replied. this had become one of our road games. random blurtings-out of deep, dark secrets. it is, by far, my favorite game.

"i was pretty sure this trip was going to be the end of our friendship," she confessed.

i smiled knowingly and continued to stir the hot tub with the paddle. it was my job to get the temperature down from 125 degrees, considering i was the one who had added all the logs to the fire.


my driving partner made random guesses at where we should end up by day's end. it didn't matter if there was anything of note in that town; if it appeared on a map, she'd point at it and repeat its name throughout the day.

"if i hear you utter missoula one more time, i swear, i'll drive this car into a ditch. it'll roll and kill us both. i swear i'll do this. and plus, isn't today "no speak day"?"

"yes."

"no speaking please."


billings, montana was one of her imaginary destinations. when we arrived, an ire rose up in me that i had never felt before. it is a city that rivals athens, greece in hideousness. a stench permeated the air. smokestacks lined the sky.

"fuck it stinks," she said.

"the last thing in the world i want is to stop here. but i have to pee."

"big surprise."

"can we stop at this burger king please?"

"buy a drink this time. you can't keep going into places and using their bathrooms without buying anything."

"yes i can. they're roadstops. they understand."

"they are NOT. here, follow this guy going in now. pretend you're with him."

"the convict? sure. wait here."

i returned from the bathroom to find her pointing at another destination. "look, there's a place called "park city" about 30 miles from here. that sounds cute, doesn't it? park city?"

"can we just get out of here? this town has rendered me angry."

"i think park city is the place for us."

park city consisted of a trailer park populated along railroad tracks. two guys working on a motorcycle watched us slowly and silently drive by.

"if we stay here, we will die. there will be a single screen door keeping anal rapists from our bedside."

"keep going?" she asked.


back at the hot tub, i grabbed my glass of champagne. "look!" i said with pride, "i can get my feet in! i bet it's down to about 115 degrees."

"i'm going to get that last bag of ice."

"no! we need that for the margaritas..."

adieu redux

paxismoo
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

returning home last tuesday, i noticed a letter, among the consistent pile of rubbish i receive ever since i procured a mortgage, from the university of guelph, pet trust fund division.

someone, who shall remain nameless because i don't know who it is, made a monetary donation to their animal health clinic in paxis' name, in her memory. this money "develops new diagnostic and treatment techniques and examines the human-animal bond".

i often relive the last few days of my cancer-ridden kitty. of how she couldn't keep her balance while walking, how her back legs slid out from underneath her on my stupid polished cement floor, and how i had to wrap her in a towel to bring her to meet her death before the vet's lunch break (such are the perils of falling ill on labor day weekend).

without even a moment for tiny goodbyes, the vet's assistant had poured alcohol over one of her legs to prepare for the injection.

"ready?" asked the vet, walking into the room.

i nodded. i knew he needed to get to lunch.

"it's a mixture of bla and whatevs. it'll stop her heart. it'll be totally painless."

i nodded again. this time through tears.

the needle went in. i draped myself over my cat. she'd be gone in a few seconds. if there was anything to say, i'd have to say it now.

"bye baby..."

i heard my boyfriend burst into tears. and then i heard a sharp intake of breath from paxis. she was gone. the subsequent release of breath was simply reflexive on her body's part. but it sounded like a peaceful sigh.


i'd like to thank whomever made this donation. it was an incredibly touching and thoughtful way to honor her and how much she meant to me.

my boyfriend and i browsed the trust fund’s online pet gallery - all sorts of dogs and cats who have had money donated in their names. there's mooch, and marmalade, and jeffrey, and fred. there's mooch the second and cody and rupp. and a really cute cat drinking from a drink box.

he closed the window. both of us tearing up.

"can't do this right now..."

Without Prejudice

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

From the offices of D.B. Malone, Charles Pantalones, and Tim Calhoun

Dear South Dakota:

Please see enclosed all receipts for expenses incurred while traversing your potentially beautiful, yet entirely unwelcoming, state.

In addition to the receipts for one (1) tank of fuel ($61), one (1) night of lodging at the Drake Motor Inn, and two (2) orders of flapjacks plus coffee from the IHOP ($12), we are adding a mild disgruntlement surcharge in the amount of $250 for damages sustained for having to endure Wall Drug billboards for over 500 miles, without reprieve.

In the spirit of largesse, please be advised that all monies reimbursed will be applied to Idaho's "Adopt a Lewis and Clark Highway" Program.

Thank you for the time and effort you have put into your state. Please accept my best wishes for your future.

Lawsuit pending