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Thursday, April 27, 2006

holy cannoli

i used to live in new york, and i miss it tons. i still have a few friends there that i try to meet up whenever i'm in town. this last time when i was packing, i got a small pang of melancholy because i thought of one friend whom i would not be meeting up with anymore. this is due to a fight over a USB wireless adaptor.

obviously it's more complicated than that. but i stopped packing and asked my boyfriend if it was okay to feel sad.

"of course it is. maybe you can try to patch things up."

"no…" i said thinking of all the eggshell walking and backpedaling i had to do with him. "…his last email told me to 'fuck off'."

several years ago, i stayed with this friend for a few days. he informed me of a famous nearby italian pastry shop where the cannoli were so good that coppola was known to order them for his film crew. we trotted over and sampled a few. they were, of course, to die for.

i think.

i'm not the biggest cannoli fan. i have trouble with sweet cheese.

in any case, on my last day there, he went out and bought a box of these reputable cannoli and silently placed them on the kitchen counter.

"mmm..." i said, and continued doing what i was doing.

a few days later i got a scathing email from my friend who was incredulous at my rudeness of leaving behind the cannoli gift basket. "i went out and bought that especially for you! i CAN'T eat that stuff. don't you know that i don't eat white sugar? they ALL went in the garbage!"

of course i felt like a heel. i stayed at his place and left behind a baker's dozen of world-famous brooklyn cannoli. why, those could have fed at least two grips on a coppola shoot.

it just would have been so much more simple had he told me that they were for me.

we have people in our lives for a myriad of reasons. not much can explain the chemistry between people. but when a cannoli keeps you from speaking for close to a year, things should be reevaluated.

sadly, the cannoli didn't get its message across. it had to be the wireless adaptor:

"I am asking you kindly now to send me back the wireless adapter with the cord. I went out of my way to bring it to you and have been nothing but a friend to you. I helped with that apartment, set up the internet for you and you are being a total bitch to me. I will make your life hell if you don’t send it to me."

so no, it's not worth patching up.

Monday, April 24, 2006

what i've learned...

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

people like blogs about poop and magical testes.

let's take a look at a question from an adoring fan:

"So if John Stewart offered you his one of his testicles (to be removed from his body, mounted and hardened so it would last forever), which would you prefer? Left or right?"

well, adoring fan, i do believe i would chose the left, because it's the one that's closer to his heart.

Friday, April 21, 2006

faking it

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

so i was in new york again, because i got tickets to see my boyfriend, jon stewart. i didn't overhype the whole situation, because i know how let down i become once i allow myself to become excited. in fact, after two hours in line, i had completely lost my mojo.

"i'm hungry. i want to go to bed." i said to my daily show partner.

"maybe they'll give us some kool aid once we're inside."

but there was no kool aid or cookie (what i truly desired) inside. instead, there was tony-the-warm-up guy.

he said oh-such-funny-things as "hey who's this loud guinea?” (in reference to himself), and "hey lady, you look like you wanna be at 'oprah'".

and when someone asked him where he went to university, he lay down in front of the questionee and placed his genitalia in her face. "hey! check these out! what da ya think of this schooling?"

apparently, he went to law school.

we were then forced to stand up and cheer and laugh. we had to laugh and cheer as loudly as possible because the space is big. and our enthusiasm can get lost in this large space. we were miked and were told to be spontaneous.

by the third practice cheer, i was ready to pass out. i just can't fake it. i stood with my arms crossed and leaned against the railing. when tony-the-warm-up guy looked over my way, i made an "O" shape with my mouth, to give the illusion that i was in mid-whoop.

later, over beers, mojitos, and a taco platter, my daily show partner remarked how happy he was that tony-the-warm-up-guy didn't head over our way with his probing, and slightly disrespectful, questions.

"imagine? i've never been one for enthusiasm."

"not only would we have ruined the show for ourselves, but we would have ruined it for all of humanity."

"mm", i concurred, finishing off the chicken wings.

after tony-the-warm-up-guy sufficiently depressed us, my boyfriend jon stewart came out to answer a few questions. people asked things like "who do you dream of interviewing?", and "what did you really think of your last interview with senator mccain?" he answered each question with patience and humor. he sometimes stroked his chin and said, "VERY interesting question..."

and then the inevitable happened. what appeared to be a vegetesbian stood up and asked, "so jon, is it boxers or briefs?"

"neither. i'm free-balling it. next question."

and it was then and there that i blanked out. i had imagined those fantastic testes, a mere 9 feet from my receiving mouth, knocking around in those pants.

so i have no recollection of the show. something was said about laura bush, samantha bee said something about "begaying" something or other, and stephen colbert said that he had a baby eagle.

and there was mention of “sphincter”.


Thursday, April 13, 2006

The Daily (No) Show

The Girly Show
New York Daily News - Tues April 19, 6:50pm

NEW YORK - Following in the steps of Drew Barrymore, comedian Jon Stewart realized he was near sighted this afternoon after a drug-crazed fan (it was later deemed that she had a taken a small dose of horse tranquilizer) flashed him.

Jon's wife Tracey retrieved him after the show and they headed off to select a modest pair of glasses.

"He'll get contacts next week. i hear you can now wear them for a week without changing them," stated Stewart's again-pregnant wife.

"Those were some tiny ta-tas," said Stewart as they drove off in a Toyota Prius.

The Canadian malfeasant was being treated for hypothermia when she escaped the hospital stating that, "Tequila warms the soul."

Thursday, April 06, 2006

navel gazing

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

i'm at the age where a lot of friends and siblings are having kids. inevitably, at around the age of 1, they start learning where their bellybutton is.

"where's your bellybutton?"


and once we discover where that is, we rarely look elsewhere.

i recently flew to the other side of the country for a job interview and if i took the job, i would have to move all the way over there. it also would involve shutting down my tiny little consulting business that i've taken a tiny bit of pride in over the past 7 years. i'd then return to the 9-5, fluorescently-lit office environment.

it felt like a prison sentence. i needed advice. i called my boyfriend.

"so what do you think i should do?"

"well, i've been thinking about it and if you took the job, i'd be able to audition for parts over there."

"yeah, there's tons of acting work over here. tons."

"right. so i could fly back and forth, auditioning for parts both here and there."

"great. thanks."

"hey, anytime krista. anytime."

i called another friend. one who lived in the city of the new job.

"i've talked it over with my sister and we both think you should take it. i mean, they have an on-site gym!"

"i'll never put on a pair of track pants in front of co-workers."

"oh, but gawd, it would be so cool if you moved here."

"how much is your freedom worth to you?" inquired another friend.

"i do get a lot done between 1 and 3 in the morning..." i mulled.

"do you really need that dental plan?"

"i've never had a cavity in my life."

"i've never had a job in my life."

i didn't take the job. if i've learned one thing in my life, it's to trust my instincts.

but i feel like i've let a lot of people down.