la la love him

portland
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

i got back from a short trip out west for a bit of work and, more importantly, to see my niece and sister (and brother-in-law). it was really great spending some time with them - i don't get to see them enough. unfortunately, i brought my niece’s cold back with me.

this cold traveled from my tonsils to my sinuses and ultimately set up shop in my eyes. that's right. conjunctivitis. pink eye, to all you south park fans.

i've never had conjunctivitis before but i figured that if it was in one eye, my immune system would have set up some kind of white blood cell force shield to protect the other. not so much. the second eye was far worse than the first - likening me to a sea elephant. i'm hideous. i'm oozy, sniffly, greasy, and full of grime. i'm repugnant. look away.

so missing a week of work was sad and all, but nothing was going to keep me away from seeing frank black on wednesday night.

frank who?, you ask.

see, i'm aware that there are two types of people in this world: those who love the pixies, and those who don't know who they are. frank black - black francis - was the lead singer of the pixies. and after tuesday night, i'm convinced he was the soul reason they had the success they did.

i attended the concert with one of my oldest friends. let's call him little steve, because that’s what I call him. little steve is quite possibly even more of a pixie's fan than i am. possibly. when we get together, we often talk about pixie hooks, pixies chord changes (that grab you by the gut), and frank's atypical time signatures. anyone not knowing the pixies would be bored to tears.

when the pixies announced in 2003 that they were getting back together for a reunion tour – 11 years after they broke up - i almost passed out.

"you're coming!" i screamed at my boyfriend.

"i don't know their stuff..." he said.

i traipsed off and compiled a "pixies conversion" cd for him.

"now, don't become alarmed", i primed. "it may seem angry or noisy.” i airquoted. "and i do believe it is... but it's a beautiful, palatable noise - i'll understand if you don't like it."

i secretly wanted him to not like it. i wanted the pixies to be all mine. all mine and little steve's.

but he loved it. and he came to the reunion concert, which was filled with mostly fans and some "just came alongers". the guy in front of me looked at the floor the whole time, with his hands in his pockets, and danced as though he was at a happy mondays, concert. it took all my strength not to yell at him to get out.

i stood on top of the hockey boards, so i could see everyone. at the end of the concert, they came upstage to bow. both of my hands shot up in the air - the distance between me and frank (and kim...) shrank. i fought back tears. when the lights came up, i looked around and saw several guys with tears streaming down their faces. little steve spotted me and he ran up to me, with tears streaming down his face.


little steve and i attended frank black's much smaller concert this week. he opened with an acoustic set of 6 or 7 pixie's songs. our jaws hit the ground.

finally his band came out. frank still has his pipes. there were times when he'd scream at the top of his lungs. without taking our eyes off of him, little steve and i would reach out and grab each other’s arms.

frank black is inexplicable. either you get him or you don't. he's one of those people who are born and die (at some point), and in between those dates, they do some incredible, unforgettable, and inexplicable work. i can't even look into the how it happens.

at the end of the fb concert, i stood leaning against a post while little steve raved. he raved and then ran around looking for a set list. and then he raved some more. i didn't say a word. was it my cold? the tonsillitis? a fever? i started to get a little paranoid, thinking that maybe little steve thought i was little underwhelmed with the evening. i had to disclaim myself.

"steve?”

“yes?”

“it may look like i'm not impressed or something," i motioned to my general lackluster demeanor, "but the thing is that i don't even know how to react to this..." i frowngrimacedshrugged.

"oh, i know", he said, squirrelling about. "it's gonna take me a while too."

i leaned back against my pillar and didn't say a word. this was one regret i was not going to have.

okay. now i'm angry.

metropolitan museum of art
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

the tipping point, i guess.

a friend of mine's brother went scuba diving on saturday and never came home. according to his partners, he went missing for one minute and they found him one minute after that, floating on the surface.

he was 39 and loved his sister immensely. he was athletic and healthy and young and his gear did not malfunction. now she has no one to look after her. i listened to her going through waves of utter grief, rationalizing, and disbelief. and saying how it's not fair. that he's supposed to be there for her on her birthday weekend.

i was up for a good part of the night thinking about my friend and what she's going through. how she doesn’t deserve it.

and now i'm mad.

and i started to think about people who make me mad.

one in particular came to mind.


years ago, i was consulting at a pharmaceutical company - it was a good job. i enjoyed the content matter for once. and things were going well, until i ran into the brother of my ex-boyfriend. we gave each other icy stares - it had only been a few months before that i had been in court with his brother.

and after that, things got a little chilly in the office. my contract seemed to dwindle before its due date. i knew that he, as a staff member, had said some things that were going to get me ousted. the woman i worked for never thanked me for my work. she spoke to me like i was dirt. like it wasn't worth her time. and it is with her that i am angry.

years later, the brother left his card on my bicycle. my bike is pink and is clearly unmistakable for anyone else's.

"if this is you, krista, call me."

i waited weeks, nay months, before i called him. he had hurt me beyond explication. the kind of hurt that can never be undone: he forbade me to come to his brother's memorial service.

we didn't talk about his brother. i wanted to. i wanted answers. but he didn't go there. i figured we could maybe talk about it "next" time.

but i did bring up the job.

"what did you say to [name withheld]?"

"i told her to get rid of you because you brought my brother to court on bogus charges."

there was silence.

"uh huh," i said, realizing that there may be the possibility that he still believed the charge were bogus.

even though his brother, the ex-boyfriend, pleaded guilty to all charges of breaking and entering, damage to property, confinement or whatever, and sexual assault.

so i've been holding onto all this anger towards this woman who only heard one side of a story and decided to fire me on top of everything else. a woman - woman - who on the basis of gender alone is supposed to take my side.

i fantasize about running into her one day. and simply saying that if she were to ever, ever find herself in her own home being confined by her wrists that she would never have to hear that people believed her account was bogus.


but even more importantly, what i have also not forgotten are all the people who offered to accompany me to court. many of whom i hadn't even known that long. because that is what we are supposed to do for others. listen and support even if we don't know the story. or the charges. or the cause of death.

fair game

gerbera
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

if i were to make a powerpoint presentation, or at least a bulleted list, of the happiest moments of my life, the better part of them would be moments that were not planned. the greatest moments came out of nowhere, and effected results that i was not prepared for.

was the most memorable moment of your wedding the first dance to the song that you so punctiliously chose? or was it when your father whispered sweet somethings-only-for-you in your ear? was the favorite part of your vacation the hike you took? or was it when you stumbled upon the blueberry bush where you spent 30 minutes feasting?


one of my fondest memories is of riding the subway in new york with my then-boyfriend. a new york character (read: nutjob) got on with a box and a magic wand. he sashayed hither and thither, garnering the attention required for his show. some looked, most ignored. the bulk were annoyed.

the magician took a seat next to me. the blood rushed to my cheeks as the eyes of the riders moved from him to me due to his wielding of his wand. i spurn attention. i hoped the magician would realize his error in judgment and move along to find someone with a little more *panache*.

instead, he tapped the handle of his box, motioning for me to open it.

i was apprehensive. i feared that springy snakes would burst asunder, causing the C train to titter at my misfortune.

"open the box," my boyfriend coaxed.

with trepidation i grabbed the handle. the magician nodded.

i pulled the drawer out of the box. it was empty. i leaned in and inspected closer.

i nodded excitedly. "empty!"

he motioned for me to inspect the sides, top, and bottom. i did, and indicated my approval.

the magician closed his eyes and waved his magic wand. he opened his eyes to look at me.

he, once again, tapped the handle with his wand.

"open..." my boyfriend cajoled.

i grabbed the handle and pulled. it was a bit heavier this time. i pulled a small, white bunny out of the box. his nose and whiskers moving in that bunnyish way.

i gasped and looked at the magician; my eyes as wide as the rabbit’s.

"yay! a bunny!" exclaimed my boyfriend.

i pet the rabbit's ears, just to confirm he was real.


just last week i was reprimanded for being too naive. the person stood above me saying things like, "you're not a child anymore, you know better," and "how can you possibly be so naive?"

i stared back up at him, with a certain amount of disdain.

"no?" he asked dryly, certain that his idea could not be implausible.

"no." replied my favorite voice in my head.


sure i could be less naive. i'd probably make wiser business decisions and have more urbane people in my midst.

but i can guarantee the first place you'd notice this conscious dismissal of my "naiveté" would be here – my conduit of creativity.

and i’d rather not lose my appreciation for the seemingly unimportant, the absurd, and the slightly dangerous.

ooh baby, you're the one

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

i work as a consultant. as a result, i have to care about a company very intensely, for a short period of time.

as soon as that period of time is over, the subject matter is promptly purged from my memory. this happens for two reasons: 1) my tiny pea brain has to make room for the everyday things like turning off the oven and 2) the content is usually painfully boring.

and i'm generally made to sign pieces of paper to never, ever speak of such boring things. pity.

in the past ten years, the only interesting things i've learned is how a plane flies (wow) and the inner workings of the pharmaceutical industry (whoa).

and while doing training for the pharmaceutical companies, i learned how we breathe. the thing we take so much for granted.

did you know that we breathe as a result of our chest cavity expanding? this expansion lowers the pressure in the chest cavity which causes air to rush into lungs.

not the other way around - meaning our chest doesn't expand as a result of us breathing air into our lungs.

when i learned this, i realized not everything is as it appears. and that i knew i had to be wary of what i thought i knew...


this last trip to new york, i was scheduled to stay at the apartment i rented out last year - the yoga hut.

because the yoga hut is unique and temperamental, the owners deemed me a 'preferred client' due to tender manner in which i tended to it.

"krista, because you're low maintenance and we need responsible people in here, we'd rather have you than anyone else."

that is, until someone offered them more money.

they reneged and hoped i understood. and i slept on a libidinous friend’s couch as a last resort.


earlier this spring, i found myself making a difficult decision about whether or not to accept a job offer and move to the other side of the country. the decision was a lot harder than i would have ever thought, and it is for that reason that i accepted the job and then woke up the next morning in a start and rescinded my acceptance.

part of what made the decision so difficult was i would be moving to where my sister and niece live. if i didn't move, we'd remain 5000 miles apart.

before i had a chance to inform my sister that i was actually not going to be coming, she told me that an apartment in her building was opening up. the owner, her friend, let's call him botticelli, was traveling for a year. the rent was something ridiculous. low.

i felt as though i had made a grave error.

"i'll tell botticelli you decided not to come..." she dolefully said to me. "he has a friend who's interested..."

i was silent. i was scheming. "no... let me ask the company if i can change my mind again. this apartment changes everything. let me know if his friend takes the place."

i got a week extension from the company. they knew it was a big decision and were very accepting of my vacillating nature.

botticelli emailed my sister. he said he didn't feel comfortable with anyone else staying at his place and that he was waiting for me. he felt that i was the one who was meant to be there. he envisioned my niece sleeping over while he was traveling in india. it was "the right thing". it was too good not to be true.

until he placed an ad on craigslist and started to get offers way over his asking price. i was no longer "the one". he hated being 'heartless', he said, but that extra money would go a long way in india.

botticelli told me he met so many great people in the posting that he was going to invite them all to a cocktail party.

he also said he was looking forward to meeting me during one of my visits when upon his return.

i informed him that we had met on at least three different occasions.

nice to know i can be your discount "one".