the boyfriends are a-quibblin'

my boyfriend gives me a little gift
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

my boyfriend and i were having breakfast this morning.

"how was jon last night?"

"good. he mentioned 'poo'." i looked up from my paper. "he's pretty feisty these days."

"poo. greeeeeaaaaaaat."

"mm hm. he's wonderful. i LOVE him." i put my paper down. "hey - i learned last night that he's moving to 52nd and 11th."

"yeah, so? what does that mean?"

"that MEANS that if i had stayed in new york, i'd be TWO blocks away from him."

"but if you had stayed in new york, you'd never have met me. and we wouldn't be living in this current state of bliss."

"YOU better make me happy!"

"you gotta do that yourself, little missy."

"i mean, you better say things like, 'well aren't you cute today,' and 'hey, let me buy you a pizza.'"

"oh, that kind of happiness..."

"yes! YOU'RE the reason i'm not with jon stewart!"

peril

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

a while back, when i had a job job, i went down to my car to drive to work when i noticed the car parked behind me.

it was a beat-up, rusty, sedan-kinda deal with no fender. the driver's door and trunk were wide open, and no one was to be seen. curiosity peaked, yet fearing a car bomb, i slowly approached it. in the back seat was a dirty kid's seat and kid's toys. it was totally creepy. however, in the trunk were hundreds and hundreds of individually wrapped tuna fish sandwiches. TUNA FISH SANDWICHES. A trunk full of them - they were spilling out onto the street and also into the interior of the backseat of the car.

today, in the midst of our second heat wave, i decided to go for a run. there's a path alongside some train tracks that i use, because i don't like asphalt. and what do we usually come across when we are near train tracks? creepy, bizarre, and insane things, that's what.

i happened upon this picnic table in a park near the tracks, and there were 32 boxes of, this time, CREAM CHEESE strewn about. they were just sitting there, fermenting in the sun.

i was tempted to take a few and spread them on my morning bagels, but ever since i got yelled at by my brother-in-law for buying krispy kreme doughnuts from two dudes on the street, i opted to leave them behind.

but that doesn't mean i didn't fondle them.

the wretched refuse of your teeming shore...

stairs
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

"that is NOT coming home with you."

"yes it is."

"leave it. it won't even work."

"sure it will."

"people put it on the street because it's broken."

"no. they upgraded. they got an air conditioner. look - it has a great big stand and everything."

we were in the middle of a heat wave and we had stumbled upon a fan. it was 119 degrees in my apartment.

"fine." he motioned with his hand to hurry up.

i picked up the fan. the front part of the cage fell off, hit me straight on the foot, and rolled down the street.

"leave it please."

[pause]

"okay. [pause] you know, i found my tv on the street. kinda."

"really? that thing from 1982?"


i was living on the fifth floor of a five-floor walkup in new york. ever since i moved in, there was an old tv sitting on the landing of the third floor. i walked by it every day, wondering who left their garbage inside of a building. at first it annoyed me, but after months, it became a shoe-tying apparatus.

i learned through one of my neighbors that my downstairs' neighbor hated me.

"what? why?"

"your boyfriend."

"oh."

i was very stupidly dating a drunken drug addict, who, when he was drunk and drugged, came home and yelled at me and threw things around, occasionally those things being me. oprah and dr phil would have nothing doing with me at that time, but it's all over now.

so, one day, mr snitty downstairs neighbor cornered me and gave me utter crap. i have no recollection of what he said, except for his parting words: "and who do you think you are, leaving your GARBAGE in the hallway?!", he said, referring to the television.

i was too stunned to speak. he snitted away.

my garbage?! i went back to my place and grabbed an extension cord. what an A-HOLE. i plugged in the television and turned it on. it worked. i lugged it upstairs. it was the heaviest thing i ever carried.

there. i had a television.

billy idol is a fairy

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

a long time ago, when i was a teenager, i was a mad crush on a guy named rich bank$. he played guitar and really, really loved billy idol. my friend krista had a mad crush on his older brother, who was a sears model and probably gay.

one day, in krista's basement, we came across a deck of 70s porn cards. we decided to woo the bank brothers by placing a select few of these porn cards on their parent’s windshield.

a few other neighbors got some too.

it then started to rain, we got bored, and discovered the art of collage. taking the entire afternoon, we crafted, with our gluesticks, the most beautiful collage of billy idol in a pretty pink dress with a tiara and, of course, a magic wand.

if you've ever created a collage, you know it is one of the funniest things ever. collage and flying food. two of the funniest things ever.

so, we cut out letters to form: "billy idol is a fairy" and we tittered our way down the street and placed our love note into the banks’ mailbox.

rick bank$ and i dated for 10 days. we hooked up at a tears for fears concert.

i remember when he played guitar for me on the telephone. he explained how he had to open his window to let some of the noise out of his bedroom. to this day, i still wonder if opening a window will dissipate noise.

my photoshopped incarnation of billy idol as a fairy PALES in comparison to the original.

homage to the homard

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

since i got back from my vacation, i've been flying back and forth to toronto like a chicken sans head, dealing with work. amid all this travel, i also had to go and pick up my car that i abandoned 6 months ago, in another city. i left it with my project manager because i couldn't deal with the winter sleet, rain, and snowstorms. i incur thousands of dollars worth of parking tickets and really hate that.

"don't worry about picking it up. you can leave it here while i'm away on my next contract."

she'd be back NEXT december. "hm." i said, actually considering it.

during a brief blip of nice weather, she wanted to take my car to get washed - so it wouldn't rust to death.

"i took your friggin' eduardo to the car wash. he died on me in the lineup. several men had to push me out of lineup. and i had to call a tow truck."

i had to sit down. eduardo ALWAYS started. he has never given me one iota of trouble. ever. "what do you MEAN he didn't start? why?"

"whatever. i'm never touching him again."

so when i went down to pick him up, i decided to apologize on eduardo's behalf with 92 pounds of shellfish. once her russian neighbors lost interest in us (when the wine supply was exhausted), we grilled it all up. a tiny eulogy was said for the two lobsters before she dropped them to their death. in addition to the wine, i guess the eulogy was reason that we both looked at the pile of decimated shells and became wistful.

"20 minutes ago those things were alive."

i harkened back to when she grabbed them and said, "mr. green elastics, mr. yellow elastics (in reference to their claw elastics) - see you on the flip side!" now they were in our bellies.

the pile of shells made me think of what i have in my life right now that could become an empty carcass.

i thought of my relationship and, not that things are going bad, wondered if i'd ever look back at it from a carcassy, empty shell point of view.

it's entirely possible. if you've ever been involved in an accident, you think back to that pivotal moment; that second that your, or someone you love's, life changed forever.

i wonder what she thought about. i wonder who she's lost; what relationships are no longer there.

we all have our green elastics and our yellow elastics.

it's the quiet ones...

ode to amy sedaris: the family portrait
Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

my sister and i are quiet and reserved girls. we definitely won't lambaste you during dinner conversations on the top 19 reasons why rum and coke is now our favorite summertime beverage or indicate with graphic reality as to how to apply facial elixirs in an upwardly stroking fashion to prevent sagging facial lines.

carrie fisher once said something like, "my introversion demonstrates my extroversion."

one afternoon, my sister and i were gathered around her computer watching a video of tom cruise making an arse of himself. in the middle of it we heard this HUGE bang - it sounded like the wind had caught the front door and slammed it shut. i thought her husband forgot to lock the front door. we ran towards the door, but before we got there, she exclaimed, "someone just tried to kick in my door!"

i looked through the peephole to see if he was still there, but my sister was already pulling at the door, trying to get it open. he kicked it so hard that we were stuck inside.

she finally managed to pull it open and took off after him. in her bare feet. you always seem so vulnerable in your bare feet.

"what is she doing?" i thought of how big he could be or what types of weapons he could have - or even how freaked out on crystal meth might be.

i took off after her, in my bare feet. she had him cornered by the elevator. "what the f- did you do to my door?!" she kept screaming at him.

"i'm trying to see my friend dave in 505." he said.

"there is no dave in 505." she was staring at him straight in the eye. it's incredible to witness what adrenaline can do.

i ran back into the apartment and called the police. and then went into the bedroom and looked at the baby lying on the bed, who had been woken up by the bang. i rubbed her belly, before picking her up, telling her that it was okay.

the police showed up within minutes, but kick-boy had already fled. he had kicked the door so hard that part of the deadbolt crumbled (a weiser - not recommended). a cool-looking plain-clothed cop in shorts scouted about the neighborhood. he wasn't found.

yesterday i got hit by a guy on a bike going through a red light.

"what the f-!?" i said.

"what do you mean, 'what the f-'". he was getting defensive.

"i mean, you came screaming through a red light. my light is green. you HIT me."

he became more and more aggressive and at one point he raised his fist to me. i punched him in the arm.

we stared at each other for a few seconds. i knew that i had opened myself up for a few beats. but HOPEFULLY some of the people on the street would have done something by that point.

he left.

i went to the new star wars movie, the right side of my body sore.

are these cute or WHAT?

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

can someone buy me one of these, please?

why can't we all just get along?

Originally uploaded by kristalynn.

my vancouver friends complain about how hard it is to meet people because everyone seems too cold and "into their work". i find montrealers will not warm up to you. i attribute this to the language thing. people are afraid of offending you by greeting you in the wrong language, so they just avoid doing it altogether. plus it's the city of not holding the door for the person behind you. the most seemingly civil person will slam the bank door right in your face. time and time again.

i eat a banana every day for breakfast. bananas are filling, good for me, and ease my monthly menses discomfort with its high potassium levels.

while visiting my sister in vancouver, my banana and i were headed out for a morning coffee. i peeled it while waiting for the elevator. when the elevator arrived, the doors opened and revealed a young gentleman, also participating in the act of eating a morning banana.

we stood frozen staring at each other, both of our mouths poised for oral entry.

i realized that the elevator doors were going to close on us if we were to continue staring at each other. i couldn't contain myself any more and started to laugh - a good loud, hearty laugh. i entered the elevator and said, "hey".

was this one of those cold, "too busy with work" types who would be too embarrassed to acknowledge that we shared a banana moment?

not so much. by the time we got to the ground floor, i learned that he was in toronto over the weekend and had caught a cold by kissing too many guys.

"friggin' homosexuals", he said with trademark gay sarcasm.

i tsked. "they should have more consideration," i said and held the door for him.

his eyes widened. "they SHOULD!" he turned on his heel and waved at me, "enjoy your coffeeeee...!"